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Friday, August 31st, 2007
1:10 am
there isn't anything quite like planning to start your life over every other day
i've got no one to blame for what i ended up as
a strange, malleable-but-firm sense of "what i do". my actions seem dictated by habit and there are rarely any original thoughts. it still seems as if all i really have are pavement, music, the prarie sky, attractive clothes, highs and lows. of course, the dog. she is a holy precious treasure.

the joy-luck club isn't doing me much good.

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Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
6:31 pm
is anybody listening?

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
9:49 am - recklessness followed by apologies
my head cracked open, or exploded last night. the hilarious part was the rain. the not-so-hilarious consequence (and actions do have those!) was the loss of my pink-and-black cell phone.

do pardon me as i fall apart. when i pick up the pieces i may show them to you as if they were scallops, baby crabs, oysters, starfish i have found. marine life is extremely clever: the sea has produced so many textures and nuances of meaning, entire schools and sculpted exo-bones.

bones blood tears sweat desire shattered vomit piss shit hate blood shipwreckedcrackheads

i am having a dark night of the soul. the irony of that is i'm no longer sure i have one. i KNOW i have bones.

can you hear the glass of a bottle making brutal love to a pavement, from where you are?

current mood: cold yet raging

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
4:56 pm - and so
i think i'll move to victoria. until next summer. i'm going to live with natalie because she has a hamster.

current mood: worn down

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11:26 am - fuck
this is it, i give up. there is absolutely nothing left for me. to summarize: FUCK.

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Monday, September 18th, 2006
4:37 pm - open-ended
would anyone like to enter a fierce and very physical altercation with me? takers comment below.

current mood: blood

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Saturday, September 16th, 2006
2:09 pm - you must've been HIGH
everything in my being is struggling to get OUT somewhere, somehow, i need to move and move now, get my voodoo workin' again keep the bloody world spinning

consider my first week of being home an extended panic attack.

at least i write a lot on paper, even if there isn't too much punctuation involved

i am so tightly wound, so deeply ill in the head it's almost funny. everything is blending into this waking-dreaming mess of not being able to find words, not being able to tell anyone what i really think or feel because i'm trapped inside this stupid glass box and
if your head were made of glass you'd've smashed it long ago, you know that.

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Friday, September 15th, 2006
3:02 pm - survey
things i love: vomiting
things i hate: love
my special curse: everyone i've ever loved either came from or went to BC.

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Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
10:37 am
something alive is moving through me.

i'm trying to not binge-eat. i'm trying to write. i'm trying to not be an alcoholic. i'm trying to be a person.

nelson was amazing. i met girls named naomi and alicia, the first being incredibly like siobhan and the second being comparable to dru (there's no such thing as a coincidence). j. hock was there, and flow. so were mushrooms and a terrence-like figure called dan. i put all of these choice elements together and
-got into an argument about kerouac: "it's bullshit because i'm 19 and i've lived all that"
-spun the stars above a beach, alone and complete and completely alone
-got lost
-rode a bike with a music box
-dumpster-dove (have scrapes to prove it)
-had one long giggly conversation about THE TRUTH and energy and the psyche and dating

there was a man called odis who said "i don't care about food so much as i care about crazy" and this made me take him to vancouver, where we were mostly silent and walked all night, saw some sights.

i would love to make a real entry about this but i have camping to do. just know that i am king of the road, that there are real shining beautiful people all over, and that soup kitchens are holy.

everything is holy and i'm alive right now!

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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
8:03 pm - Things to bring camping
-a flashlight
-sleeping mat

I like reading by the fire. I am very good at making a fire and friends with the stars at once. I am an excellent dancer, and OH

why I'm updating my livejournal is beyond me

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Monday, August 28th, 2006
8:57 am - HITCH-HIKING

as of now :D

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Saturday, August 26th, 2006
11:56 am - calea zacatechichi
bringer, hopefully, of lucid dreaming. 3 days of drinking and smoking this extremely bitter herb, day 1 down. am currently trying to figure out why i hate myself so much, and what i can do about it. rather than an all-consuming sort of hatred, i can pick out parts of myself that i generally enjoy. at the core, there is this deep disdainful boredom.

this psychotically bad-tasting tea cracked me open. about 20 layers of bullshit have been either peeled back or scraped off, and before i regrow them i need to...
well, i'm writing a story. i'll post it when it's done, unless things go horribly wrong before then. actually, just assume things will go wrong and you won't be disappointed.

vancouver and i are in love. i wish i had somewhere there to stay for just one more night. as it is, i plan to stomp my way onto the greyhound to calgary fueled purely by sleep-deprivation and you-know-what. the city feels a little like folk fest in that every time i go there, there is this continuum from the last times and all i ever do is go up and down slopes with eyes wide open.

what should i bring home, i wonder? a pure-sex black skirt with little ties or ayahuasca? both remind me of tori amos, and that is not a good reason to purchase either. consider this an informal poll.

current mood: alive

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Friday, August 25th, 2006
9:22 am - it didn't hurt me
do you wanna feel how it feels? do you wanna know, know that it didn't hurt me? do you want to hear about the DEAL I'M MAKING?

strange, strange dream involving giving an oral report on running up that hill by kate bush to an english class, with varied lyrics and covered by evanscence.

martin is making eggs. we are going to victoria today... i think. i ate a steak last night and slept for twelve hours. all is well with the world.

the concert was so so so so good. mr keenan, he stomped around adorably and i had what was absolutely a spiritual experience. well, i had a panic attack. i'm sandy. lookit my dreadlocks. lookit how much beadies. i am so absolutely sparkling with the ceramic feathers twigs etc etc etc in the hairs. i am an addict. i needhelp. i an

that was martin. i had this magical panicked crying bout during isis, and had to go outside, and they almost didn't let me back in. the nice lady who had checked my bag the first time saved my life. i saw them. the stomping! the deep reverbrations in my chest! the sweetness of maynard's nipples and cowboy hat! his precious precious dancing! he said we were his "favourite english speaking north american country".

i'll have you know that for a couple of days i was going to live here. i typed up a resume and we found a place to live. then i thought about my little little dad and some other things.

PICTURE THIS: everyone in the world with swivelling lawn chairs, sitting facing the sun. the chairs move with the sun. NOW PICTURE: me, sitting in a lawn chair facing the sun. every few hours i have to adjust it.

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Friday, August 18th, 2006
11:12 pm
here are some things that have happened on my trip so far:
1. Martin ate a bug, after this hot punk rock chick jessica ate 2. In a shed. Curtis was also present. He wanted Martin to smoke weed but did not succeed in this endeavour.
2. There was blueberry dessert wine to be drunk in a swamp. Before this, I had a delicious lunch of the inedible part of skunk cabbage. I had been thinking about how Siobhan feeds me random plants, and it looked like a squishy pinecone. Also, someone else had taken a bite out of it before I arrived. At first it tasted like some moist vegetable, but the little spiky tips got me. It burned, I thought I was going to die. Wine and rice crackers saved the day.
3. Tried to go to a show in Victoria, Silver Mt. Zion? The mo-fuckin' bouncer did not like my manitoba liquor license. </i>I'm from manitoba</i>, I pleaded. Fuck Victoria is right! The same thing happened at the beer vendor. Instead, finally watched Lost Boys. I'm using a hilarious amount of punctuation.
4. Called home after receiving some delightful voicemails. Dad made me cry somehow. In a nice way, like "something bitter". In fact I may cry everyday until I die. But! Everything is magically funny.

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
1:56 pm - as long as i can laugh
it's okay.

so i am officially coming home. depending on whether i want to go to drumheller or not, september 1st is projected date of winnipegery.

i had trouble deciding which tent to bring, and i think i made the wrong choice. zack's isn't very sturdy in a storm, but it's marvelously light for carrying. it has occured to me that a storm is an unlikely event here and now. if anyone wants to use zack's tent it's on my porch. yes, i'm still getting revegne. so what???!???

my heart was broken today. we went to cowichan bay, and there is a boutique. in this boutique was a completely erotic tank top-and-skirt set, black with little snaps and lace-up strips and that tutu material i dream about dating. i can't for the life of me remember what it's called.

tank top? TWELVE MEASLY DOLLARS. skirt? FIFTY-FREAKIN-FOUR DOLLARS. i now have one half of the sexiest tool-outfit that was ever going to exist.

i would tell you a story of romance and distance and walk your own path but i can't. ask me about it when you see me.

i like sleeping outside; it reminds me of folk fest.

oh and i want to go see those fux at martha street and be all "yo i need to make approximately 20 prints i will clean your floors"- 20 is an arbitrary number. i want to etch thoughts onto little squares and print them over and over until they become solid. i will make no t-shirts. i will slice off strips of flesh for dragonflies to carry off.

current mood: onemoresadandpeacefulmoment

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Monday, August 14th, 2006
4:05 pm
leaving! in three hours.

ohboyohboyohboy MAYNARD HERE I COME
-all cute impractical clothes i could fit
-brown book from slurvl
-oil pastels
-william s burroughs
-jacket of invicibility (CIARA IS GOOD MAN)
-not jen

i told jen to buy a calling card, and i'm scared she will. haha oh well.


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Friday, August 11th, 2006
4:20 pm - of all the biatches we bitch-slapped i liked the ones that did not mind
my capris are too tight and this makes me feel panicked. i cannot convey to my father that my brother hates me (he's in denial) or that i would feel loved if he ever wanted to go anywhere with just me. that i don't want to have to invite myself to everything they do, that if he wants to spend time with me i want that to be made known, just once in a while. i don't want to sit beside jeffrey in a truck because he smells bad and this gives me a headache. he glares at me constantly and this makes me feel like the acid in my stomach could dissolve metal.

all of this makes me feel like a bad person because it's trivial bullshit. fuck what my mother says about staying at home, or when she's sure jeffrey doesn't hate me. even if i come back here i am moving out.

i am such a bitch. although, when jen moved out she started going out for dinner with just her dad so maybe we will have a similar effect.

blah blah blah my family is small and horribly strange. i'm only good at hating myself. will post list of things to pack later to cheer myself.

for now, i will continue to binge-eat to comfort myself because it feels slightly okay.

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Thursday, August 10th, 2006
4:04 pm - it's my voodoo workin'
i am the most charismatic salesperson to grace the face of this chunk of earth.

when people buy books about saving the planet i want to hug them. tell them that they are what we need not recruits and definitely not my brother.

i've been trying not to hate him, i really have. today he calls:
"red river bookstore"
"is dennis there?"
"yes, but he's putting up a poster. you can chat with me for a minute until he's done!"
"no i just want to talk to dennis"
"well, you can't just yet. he's putting up a poster."
"i'll wait"

okay, my attempts at sisterhood are a little weak. i don't know how to do it, to be perfectly frank. my inability to have love with my brother is one of the definingly BAD qualities i have- which are few and far between. when you weigh this against my awkward facial expressions, my sex-goddessery, how fast i can walk, the fact that i have not yet been hit by a car, my ability to find books for people and my remarkable memory it's OBVIOUS i'm MYSTIFYINGLY intriguing not to mention a beauteous freak.

i love love love making lists for packing. i would post it here but it is exceedingly boring, just know it contains

(caffeine makes me unable to resist the allure of capital letters, so sorry mates)

read this part: a three-bedroom plaaaaaaace with martin and his hilarious brother josh $900


my life here which is sort of marvelous as well.



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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
12:28 pm
everytime i think about leaving martin in that place a little part of me dies, so i think i may just live in a tent. i told my mother this and she was like "you won't like it. bugs." i referred to her very own teachings: "i will EAT the bugs anyuka" and oh

if you can
i want to be an emese again

if you can keep it straight? which is too hard i know. if you still call me 'drey' though i guess that's what will continue to happen. but those who have adapted to 'sandy' i hope can continue to adapt i'm a narcissistic fuck SQUARE

i get to this sweet whole place sometimes, and i smile at everyone and use my manners and am just so good

for all of a week, and then it's back to my messy thrilling life? sure yeah okay. chaos.

let's just say that when i laugh, it may be because it's more attractive than crying.

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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
12:04 pm
hooray for BLOOD

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